Dad and Mrs Dad
by ShallWeDance.Again
Summary: Remus wants to be a father. Unfortunately, he doesn't want any old woman to mother his child. Did anyone hear Sirius screaming in the background? Yes, it's a slash fic, but bear with us. We're trying to be funny here.
1. The Guilt Trip

Hi. We—the high-on-sugar, slightly insane, awake until midnight authors—would like to make a few things clear before you read the story. Which we trust you WILL do. This takes place before Harry's birth but after the gang are out of school. That is all. Read on.

* * *

Remus sighed. This was not just any sigh, normally emitted over his daily difficulties of fighting evil or worrying over transformations or making jam. No. This was an altogether different sigh, a sigh gathering up his emotional longings into one loud swoosh of air.

Sirius grumbled from next to him. "Moony," he glared, "is that really necessary? You've just breathed the cinnamon off of my toast."

"Sorry," his boyfriend said wearily and prodding at his cereal. He did this with such apparent sadness, that even Sirius, the epitome of night owls and scowling over coffee, knew that something was afoot.

"What's up?" he said quietly.

"Nothing." He inhaled to sigh again, but Sirius beat him to the chase.

"Nothing's wrong. Right. Remus, even in my morning state, do you honestly think I'm that dim?" There was a short silence. "Don't answer that."

Remus smiled crookedly from across the table. "No, it's nothing. Really." He forced a bite of cornflakes.

"Remus, love you though I may, if you don't tell me what's wrong in the next five seconds, I'm going to track down Mrs. Weasley and tell her what really happened to that 'stolen' chocolate mousse last Christmas—"

"I want to be a father," Remus said hastily. Sirius stared.

"And what do you intend to do about this?" he intoned, very, very slowly.

Remus put his spoon back in his cereal bowl and rose to empty it into the sink. He turned back as hot water ran into the soggy brown flakes. "How much do you love me?"

Sirius looked suspicious. "Not enough to let you leave me cold for some whiny tart who's willing to get knocked up for the sake of having some other woman's brat to tear around my household." He shoved his toast around his plate, even more miffed as he realized that he'd subtly referred to himself as a woman. Really ironic, seeing what was coming.

"Oh, no, love, it's not like that at all," Remus laughed, sitting down next to the now-pouting Sirius. He removed his hand from the sugary toast plate and held it between his. "You see, I've been talking with Professor McGonagall…."

"Oh, no, you don't!" Sirius snatched his hand back and pointed it menacingly at Remus. "If anyone's getting turned into a woman to get knocked up, it's _you,_ Mr. 'I want to be a father!'" He tried very hard not to think about how strange that had sounded.

"Well, I'd _love_ to be pregnant, but I can't do it," Remus sighed. "Occupational hazard of being a werewolf, you see."

"That's not occupational!" Sirius seethed, shaking his hand. Remus smiled, amused.

"You've gotten sugar all over me, you know."

"My heart bleeds."

"All right, then," Remus said in disappointment. He halfheartedly sipped his tea. "That's fine. If you feel that strongly about it….all right." He sipped his tea again. "I guess I'll just grow old and lonely, never having heard the pitter patter of tiny footsteps in the vast and empty rooms of this old house."

He managed to look so pitiful that Sirius didn't have the foresight to say, "you'll have me, you miserable old twat!" Instead, he began to vaguely wonder if his lover had the ability to summon tears on demand. It was a weak moment. His judgment teetered and he suddenly heard himself say, "Moony, don't look so sad. If you really want to, we can owl Professor McGonagall after breakfast.

Remus's face lit up like a sudden sunrise and Sirius instantly regretted his words. "You'll do it? You really will?"

"If it would really make you happy…."

"Thank you, Sirius. Thank you so, so much!" Remus beamed with excitement and threw his arms around Sirius, who choked on his tea with the impact. Remus began to babble. "Oh, this will be wonderful! Maybe we'll have a little boy, and he'd look just like you! Or a little girl, who'd also look just like you! Or maybe we'd have twins! And they'd look just like you! Eat up your toast, now. You'll need your strength." He kissed him on the top of his head. "I love you."

"Love you, too," Sirius said grudgingly. "Now get off me, you twat, you left the water running."

Remus pranced off to the sink. Sirius bit into his toast and thought, a little morbidly, that he already liked behaving like a woman.

* * *

"Now, I assure you, this is perfectly safe," McGonagall commented, leaning over her desk in a half-comforting, half-conspiratorial way. "And I will of course be able to turn you back after your successful delivery."

Sirius paled. "Don't talk about it," he mumbled. "I'm already questioning my sanity in agreeing to this."

Remus patted him on the back. "It's all right, sweetie. Nothing bad's going to happen."

Sirius grimaced. "Don't call me sweetie."

McGonagall stifled an unladylike giggle. "Would you like to affect the transformation now, or would you prefer to wait a while to get used to the idea?"

Sirius shut his eyes tightly. "Just get it over with," he said tensely.

McGonagall shrugged. "If you'd make you way to that closet, please."

Sirius looked at the closet suspiciously. "Is there anything important about it?" he asked.

McGonagall shook her head. "I merely assumed you would rather be alone with yourself for a while before emerging. To get used to being a woman."

"Don't remind me." Sirius got up and went into the closet. "I hope this won't impede the spell."

"Don't question me." McGonagall's voice held some of it's old steel as she stood up. Sirius closed the door and stood in the dark, wondering whether he should just kill himself now and spare them all the trouble. But, he reminded himself, then he'd be a dead woman. Not how he wanted to be remembered. Anyway.

"How do you feel?" came Remus' voice fromm the other room. Done already? Sirius looked down and, for the first time ever, could not see his feet. Damn. This would take some getting used to.

"Weird. And I look weird in male clothing."

"Oh, that's all right, dear—I've got some old robes in the back. You can come out now."

Sirius was about to turn the doorknob when he stopped and thought. Now McGonagall was calling him dear? The world had truly gone mad.

Somehow that thought made him feel less alone. At least he wasn't the only one. He stepped out.

"Wow," Remus said in a small voice. "Wow."

Sirius glared at his lover. "Don't all compliment me at once."

"No, you're beautiful!" Remus voice has become curiously high-pitched.

"Wonderful. You sound surprised."

"No, Sirius, you're absolutely gorgeous as a woman!" Remus then noticed Sirius' glare. "What? I like women."

"How very comforting coming from my boyfriend."

"I like men too," Remus said thoughtfully. "But mostly I just like you."

Sirius took in the _how sweet_ look on McGonagall's face and sighed. "Twice as many chances for you to cheat on me and half the reason to. Does anyone have a mirror?"

McGonagall wordlessly shoved one into his hand. Sirius took one look and decided that, no matter their sexual preferences or sanity, no one would cheat on him. Hell, _he _wouldn't cheat on him. He suddenly found the mirror yanked out of his hands. "That will be enough of that," came the Transfiguration teacher's reprimand. "How about a change of clothing?"

Twenty minutes and one robe later, Sirius was beginning to feel better about this. It was interesting, really. He hadn't seemed to have changed that much—except that his face was slightly different, his five o'clock shadow had disappeared, and he had breasts. And presumably a womb, etc. He tried not to think about that and concentrate on his appearance _above_ the waist.

"How do you feel?" Remus said thoughtfully, tightening his fingers around Sirius' hand.

Sirius examined his—her—situation. "Considering I'm a girl and I'm wearing my old Transfiguration teacher's robes—which are, by the way, far too small in the chest—not too bad."

Remus smiled. "Now, now, don't go trashing McGonagall's figure," he said. "She's given us our dream."

"Your dream. My nightmare."

"Have I mentioned how much I love you?"

Sirius looked at his boyfriend and realized that, in order to do so, he had to look down. Somehow, the spell had also made him taller. He smiled. Perhaps they'd try their hand at conception tonight. Things were looking up!

* * *

The story is over. Leave a review. You are dismissed. 


	2. Let Me Entertain You

Ten thousand thanks to the fabulous people who reviewed our prior chapter! Proceed to the next installment. We will meet again at the close of the page.

* * *

Sometime later that evening, after a full day of shopping escapades, snapping at whistling perverts, and magnificently burning dinner with his first attempt of domesticity (thank God Remus had had prior experience in kitchen fires), Sirius was in desperate need of a break. Being a woman was fun, in its own little way, but everyone needs a release. And, s/he thought, a little more cheerfully, what better release is there than sex?

At the moment, Sirius and Remus were lounging in the living room, Remus reading a newspaper and Sirius staring poignantly at him, perhaps trying to silently bore holes in his head with the message of "I must have sex." However, Remus apparently did not care about his stunning shot at telepathy. Sirius was peeved. Finally, in a moment of weakness, s/he let loose the fatal sigh. Remus glanced up.

"Yes, dear?"

"I'm bored," Sirius complained. "I need to do something."

His/her significant other set down his newspaper, then tapped it with his wand so that it neatly folded itself back together, and got to his feet. "Bored? All right, then. I think we've got some Muggle board games somewhere around here—they're kind of charming. If I remember properly, you're quite the Scrabble player…." But before he could go to the extremely dusty and equally disorganized chamber that was their attic, Sirius shot out his/her smooth, womanly hand and caught him by the back of the robes.

"That," s/he said plaintively, "was not what I meant by doing something." Again, s/he tried to bore pornographic messages into Remus's head which, apparently, registered this time around. An only vaguely characteristically mischievous look cast across his face.

"Ah," he said lightly. "Well, then."

"Yes, well then, indeed." Sirius smiled. "Now, did we go through this buggering transformation trauma for nothing, or are you going to make me feel like a woman?"

Remus returned the smile and helped his boyfriend—girlfriend—otherwise tall and beautiful human being to its feet. With happy stupid grins plastered over their faces, the couple ambled up the stairs and into the bedroom. They locked the doors and shut the windows. Then the trouble began.

"Remus," Sirius said sweetly, "will you undress me?"

"For the sake of romance, I'll do anything, Sirius."

"Oh, but it's not for romance." Sirius grimaced a little. "It's just that I'm not quite sure how to remove this horrible device." His/her fingers thwapped gently at one of the straps of his/her newly purchased bra. Remus stifled a snicker.

"Hmm. A dilemma indeed. Well…." He faltered. "Off with your robes, then. Let's have a look."

Immediately, the equally new robes were unbuttoned and fell to the floor in a silky, sky blue heap. Sirius was left exposed in a set of matching blue flowered bra and panties. Madame Malkins had informed him that they brought out the color in his eyes, which, among other things, freaked him out to no end. He'd bought them just to stop the interfering little woman from prodding that stupid tape measure of hers into extremely off-limits places. Remus stared in awe. "Enjoy it while you can," Sirius muttered. "Pregnancy doesn't bode well with beauty." As an afterthought, he kicked off the panties and waited expectantly.

"Mmm." Remus thoughtfully examined the contraption constraining his boyfriend's breasts. This contraption in itself proved to be so tricky that he didn't even pause to puzzle at the situation's strangeness.

"I was fishing for compliments and consolation," Sirius grumbled. Remus looked up, surprised.

"What? Oh, sorry, you lost me for a minute there." He paused. "You'll have to forgive me….I haven't done this in a while."

"You've done this at all?"

"Let's not get into it right now….it'll threaten the moment. Do you think you could turn around?"

Sirius obeyed, still complaining as s/he pivoted. "The moment? I think the moment's long ruined, Moony. Being a woman is not as easy as it looks."

"Mmm." Remus twiddled unsuccessfully with the clasp. Sirius squirmed. "Hold still. You're making this difficult."

"Couldn't you just alohamora the bloody thing?"

"Sirius, darling, the human spine is formed in such a way that each individual vertebra is, in essence, locked together, and in performing the alohamora, I would run the risk of—"

"I am aware of how the human spine functions," Sirius hissed. "Just get this thing off of me."

"Hmm."

"Remus, please! That's getting very irritating." Sirius cringed at how horribly feminine s/he sounded, and decided to make up for it by doing something equally Neanderthal and masculine. "Look, there's a switchblade on my bedside table—"

"We're going to have to learn how to do this at some point, Sirius! And besides, it's wasteful to sever a perfectly good bra!"

"What's one less bra in the world? I bet I could just get one from Lily—she's reasonably busty and has lingerie coming out of the wazoo—"

"Aha. Got it." Remus triumphantly stretched out his arm in front of Sirius, dangling the lacy blue scrap of fabric from his fingers. "Now that wasn't so hard, was it?"

Sirius slowly turned back to his (her?) boyfriend's bright and twinkling eyes. Again, the overwhelming lust for sexual release returned. S/he grinned. S/he'd heard (from a wise and ancient grandmother of his) that women got far greater sexual pleasure than men. Time to put that theory to the test! s/he thought eagerly, and swiftly pounced on Remus, knocking him flat onto their bed.

"Oof!" Remus sat rather unintelligently underneath the six foot tall woman residing on his chest. "I think becoming a woman's made you feistier," he commented.

"I know." Sirius grinned happily. "And I'll forgive you for sounding like a mother concluding a sex talk. If you cooperate."

"Sirius?"

"Yes, love?"

"I don't mean to be cheeky, but….I can't have sex with my robes on."

Oh. S/he hadn't thought of that. Sirius compliantly rolled off of Remus and waited very patiently as he unfastened his robes, folded them into quarters, and set them inside their dresser. "I find it very unnerving when you do that," s/he said pointlessly.

Remus shrugged. "Habit. So, where were we?" Again, Sirius pounced, and he found himself pressed between the fluffy comforter and a pair of bare legs. They were very lovely legs, to be sure, but all the same. "I suppose I asked for that, didn't I?"

"You certainly did." Sirius ran his/her fingers through Remus's hair. Remus, in turn, began to sweep his own hands down Sirius's body, stroking the shoulders, the ribs, the waist, the newly rounded backside. Actually, Sirius had decided, it was very nice to have an ass. A usable ass, that is. Masculine hips are utterly worthless when you need to slam a door shut in someone's face. A world of possibilities had been opened! With this cheerful thought, s/he relaxed a little more and lazily kissed Remus on the nose.

"This is nice," Remus murmured.

"Isn't it just?"

"But you realize that we're going to have to do a bit of moving if we want this to work."

Sirius suddenly snapped out of the sexual haze. Remus was giving him/her an extremely pointed look. "What? No! We can't do that! I'm always on the top!"

"Not tonight, I'm afraid. Having a womb pretty much prevents that possibility."

Damn him, Sirius thought, inwardly flinching at the word "womb." He was right, of course. Unless there was some kinky little regime they hadn't yet heard of….perhaps a consultation to Cousin Andromeda was in order….but for now, Sirius reluctantly removed himself and allowed Remus to peel himself off of the bedspread.

"This should be interesting," Remus said happily. "I _never_ get to be on the top…."

"May your chocolate stash be devoured by a swarm of angry doxies," Sirius said plaintively. Remus smiled gently as stooped down to kiss Sirius.

"Now, now. You don't want to think like that. We may be needing that chocolate later…."

* * *

Two and a half hours later, the two sat under the sheets, sweaty and warm with a brand new memory to press into their scrapbooks. Though it may have been recorded with more than one mindset….

"Why, why, _why_ did McGonagall have to make me a virgin?" Sirius groaned. Remus chuckled and ruffled Sirius's hair.

"I don't know….maybe because you've never had sex with a woman…."

"And I still haven't had sex with a woman!" Sirius exclaimed. "I _was_ the woman! So why?"

"Just luck, I guess," Remus said drowsily. "Although I must say, no version of the Karma Sutra could have prepared me for _that_ little escapade."

"Yeah, me either." Sirius grumpily pulled the sheets over his legs.

"Sorry. Good night."

"Good for _you._"

"No need to be snippy….just sleep."

So s/he did. Things did look considerably brighter the next morning. Despite the first moments of agony, Sirius decided that the experience had been very pleasant indeed. Turning over to inform Remus of this revelation, s/he found the other half of the bed empty. Drat. So instead of reassuring his/her boyfriend that he'd actually had a very good time being dominated for the better part of three hours, Sirius rose from the bed and wandered over to the mirror, mildly curious as to what post-sex Sirius looked like as a woman.

Not bad, was the clear and present answer. Quite fantastic, in fact. A delicate rose had set into his/her trademark Black cheekbones, somehow softening their aristocratic sharpness. His/her eyes, were as large and blue as ever, though the lashes surrounding them had become decidedly more lush; the nose and mouth beneath them were softer now—in fact, Sirius mused, everything about him/her had become softer: his/her face, his/her hair, his/her behind….

"Just as beautiful as you were as a man," a voice intoned. Sirius glanced up from his/her figure. In the mirror, s/he could see the reflection of Remus, who was standing in the doorway with a smile and a potion bottle.

"What's that?" Sirius said suspiciously.

"Good morning to you, too." Remus crossed the room and stood on his toes to kiss Sirius's pleasantly un-scratchy cheek. Sirius smiled grudgingly, but still eyed the bottle with a suitable heap of wariness.

"Well?" s/he probed.

Remus regained his balance and lovingly cradled his morning's work. "It'll detect human life when ingested," he said quietly. "Really complicated, actually. Severus Snape's head would have been spinning in circles."

On the mile long list of things that Sirius didn't want to think about before noon, Snape definitely made the top five. Swiftly following was the prospect of having his newly sprouted feminine sexuality snatched away to unwieldy and uncomfortable swellings before he ever got to "find himself" on the other side of the sex chain. "Are—are you sure that I'll have gotten pregnant so soon? On the first try…?"

"Professor McGonagall did say that you were ovulating," Remus shrugged. Sirius winced.

"Don't say that word."

Remus's mouth twitched. "Ovulate?"

"Agh."

"Here." Remus firmly pressed the potion into Sirius's softened palm. Sirius experimentally uncapped it, sniffing at its escaping vapors. "Doggish as ever, even as a woman," the watching boyfriend chided. "Don't worry. It's not as foul-tasting as one might expect."

Sirius glanced up in shock. "You tasted it?"

"Absentmindedly, yes. Probably not such a good idea, looking back, but….are we going to wait her all day?"

"Oh. Right." Sirius raised the green glass bottle. "Cheers," s/he said, and quaffed the potion. Instantly, a stream of light shot out from around Sirius's naval, dangled in the air, and twisted itself into what appeared to be a rapidly shrinking green insect. When it had nearly vanished, the shrinking process suddenly stopped, leaving the petrified-looking woman in shock.

"What the _hell_ is that?" Sirius squeaked. A choked whisper reached his/her ears.

"That's our child."

Sirius didn't even think to blame his new X chromosome for the tears that fell down his/her cheeks.

* * *

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